Beneath the Ink

Tattooing; an age old form of art for sailors and tribes. Tattooing; a release of pain, a portrayal of beauty and self expression.

Dealing with feelings of pain, betrayal and loss she sought the release through cutting. The razor to the skin was the therapy she sought. The warmth of the blood was the expel of the emotional hurt. For years it was covered up with stories fabricated to be what it wasn't to avoid questioning and therapy. Therapy couldn't help her she thought; handling this on her own was the only answer. Years later and the blessing of a beautiful child she'd concluded the trade of the razor for the needle, the tattoo needle. The pain, the release was the same. The end result though was far more beautiful. She still had control of the pain, she still had full control of the end product yet she'd be sure to not lose her seed from the instability viewed in the razor.

We all have addictions, whether it's alcohol, drugs, shopping, eating - mine was cutting. From the age of 14 I became fond of dealing with deep seeded stresses, old pains from my life, with a razor. There was not remorse after, the pain healed the pain. As time went on, the stories got old. Though I was never "found out" I got tired of covering up the act. When my son was born my meaning changed. The triggers were still there; still are today but I've replaced the need to cut with working out, writing and tattooing. With tattooing (and working out) the end product is much better. The story is told in the art, the pain to relieve the pain is addressed. Though not all my visits to the artist are because I wanted to harm myself nor is every trip to the gym, I've simply found a better way to deal with the stress. Some would say trading one addiction with another is not the answer, however I've changed hurting myself with loving myself. I know sitting in a chair in a poorly lit room talking to an overpriced therapist will only result in more negative stress!

Last year I began sharing my story and have since had the opportunity to talk with youth who are starting down the path I traveled. I don't plan to change the world with what works for me but to share alternative solutions in working through an addiction. In the end, for most of us we realize we're bigger than the addiction, that people love us and were in control. That we're worthy of all great things. Having my family and friends - real people who love and respect me, solidify why I will fight hard to push through any trigger to return to the razor. Addictions never leave the addict but I am in control of my actions and future; I owe the best to myself, my son, my family and my friends.